Live Like You Were Dying

One week ago was my grandma’s funeral. I thought that I would be able to deal with it just fine. I had spent an enormous amount of time with her in the past couple months. She was ready to die and ready to be out of pain. I even had a chance to say goodbye which I am glad that I took. However, her funeral was hard on me. I guess I didn’t realize quite how much I would miss her. It is hard to realize how much you will miss someone when you have always had them. While sitting at the funeral I wrote a few notes of the things that I have learned from my grandma. I hope that these can help someone else live like they were dying. I am going to start with a quote by Henry David Thoreau:

I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practise resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life

I feel that my grandma sucked the marrow out of life with all the energy that she had right until the end. I will now share some things that I have learned from her.

• Dance everyday – My grandma loved to dance. She met her husband dancing. She danced all the way up until she got polio in her late twenties. She wasn’t able to dance the rest of her life, I think that I need to help make up for the fact that she didn’t get to dance as much as she would have liked to.

• Experience nature every chance you get – She didn’t get out very much the last several years of her life. Ever since she had polio it was hard for her to go anywhere. When I spent time with her in the last few months she would always look out the window to see if there were any deer in her backyard. She always looked for the Quail that lived in her yard. Every time we walked past the window she would stop and appreciate nature. She didn’t get very many chances in the last few years of her life to go up in the mountains, but I do have that opportunity and I am certainly going to take advantage of it.

• Laugh – She told jokes right to the end. Even if she was in so much pain she still told jokes and laughed at her own jokes. She was so funny.

• Smile – She never really frowned. She was in so much pain all the time, but she always smiled. I think that that added so much to her life. I hope I can smile through it all also.

• Attend the temple often – She only had enough energy to go out a couple times a week. She would go to church and the temple. This really made me think-- if I could only go out once a week would I go the temple?

• Walk on your own two feet as long as you can – When I took care of her these last couple months there was something that I didn’t understand at first. She hardly had any energy. It took so much out of her for her to walk with her walker. Yet she still refused to get into the wheelchair to get from her bed into her chair on the other side of the house. Sometimes it took half an hour for her to go from one to the other (with a sit-down break in the middle). Why was she like this? I am still not completely sure, but I think that I have an idea. All she could do on her own anymore was to make the trek from her bed to her chair. She was determined to do all she could on her own and then get help with what she couldn’t do. Her spirit of independence was inspiring. I got the feeling that she could do anything that she put her mind to.

• Share what is important to you with those you love – Grandma always called her kids to tell them when there was something good on TV. She called to give and receive updates on the rest of the family. She always was there for anyone who was struggling. One year ago she sent me a hand written letter. This letter must have taken her several hours to write with her shaky hand. She enclosed one of her favorite talks and said how she was praying for me and was trying to help me with my life. That letter still means a great deal to me.

• Reach out to help everyone you can – Grandma never complained about her health. There was only one thing that she said that was even close to complaining. She often said that she wished she was stronger so that she could help more. She always wanted to help her kids and grandkids. She did so much good with helping us pay for our missions and college. She always was so generous with her money. She would help in any way that she could. I hope that I can put forth as much effort as she did to help those around her.

• Spend time with children – She loved her grandchildren and her great-grandchildren. She loved spending time with small children and loved when they would visit. I think this is something that can keep anyone focused on what is important. It is easier to keep in mind what is important when you are spending time with young children.

• Use adversity as stepping stones – Grandma had bad health her whole adult life. Instead of using it to inhibit her she would use it as an aid for you more rapid progress. She was always so humble, appreciative and loving. I really think she used her obstacles to help her achieve these wonderful qualities in great abundance.

• Love – This is the quality that she had in such great abundance. She had so much love for everyone. She showed love for everyone. I always felt her love every time I was in the room with her. I realize that this is something that is hard to gain for all of us. How do we deal with being hurt? How do we overcome selfishness? How do we forget about ourselves and just focus on others? I don’t know the answers to these questions, but I believe that the answers lie in grandma’s life. I intend to find them. I want so bad to love like grandma did. I intend to work towards that end in honor of grandma and all others who have loved me.

I learned so much from grandma. She lived like she was dying her whole life. She did her best to live each moment to the fullest. I will miss her, but I will also make sure that she will live on in me. When I see a deer in the mountains I will watch its grace for an extra second for grandma. When I see a sunset I will try and linger a moment longer realizing how much grandma would have loved it. But most of all I will continue to try to live by the motto “Dance like nobody’s watching and love like you’ve never been hurt.” Thanks grandma for everything. I guess I will see you in a few years when it is my turn to move on to the next great adventure. Goodbye Grandma.

Full Moon Lunacy

Last night was a full moon, so clearly a full moon hike was in order. I had planned to go to the same meadow that I usually go to and have a fire and even cook some food over the fire. I knew that things would be different this time because of the snow, but I thought we could make it work.

I started at the trail head at about 7:30, so I thought we had plenty of time. My friend Heather came with me, she was all sorts of excited for a good adventure. We hiked relatively quickly since the trail was well packed down and it wasn’t too hard of a trail. Half way though, however, we went off the main trail and only had a couple of snowshoe tracks that we were walking in. The hike got considerably harder at this point because we didn’t have snowshoes and we would fall through the crust of the snow often. We kept going even though the trail just seemed to get more and more difficult as we continued on. After what seemed like an incredibly long hike we finally reached our destination—and that is when things got dicey.

When we got to the meadow we had to go off of the trail we had been following. Since there was more than three feet of snow every step was very difficult. I had planned to find firewood by either digging some up or tearing them off dead trees. This task seemed like it was a lot harder now that I was actually there. I asked Heather if she thought we shouldn’t have a fire and we should just go back down. She asked if I thought I could start one if our lives depended on it. I told her, “Of course I can.” Then she said that we came for a fire, we should have a fire.

I then spent 20 minutes breaking off tree branches and even digging some wood from under the snow. It was both difficult and dangerous. I was pulling dead trees on top of me, it wasn’t fun. Once I thought I might have enough for the evening I went about starting the fire. This part wasn’t very hard. I started the fire quickly and we had a hot fire to warm us up. After I made sure both of us were warm I started cooking some taquitos over the fire. Then I started cooking the piece of chicken that I brought.

The fire turned out difficult to maintain because it kept burning lower and lower but the big logs didn’t sink with it. So I had to readjust the fire several times and every time I did I got more snow in the fire which made it hard to keep it going. We did manage to keep the fire going the whole time we were there. It finally melted down to the ground and then we just didn’t get very much heat from it because we were three feet above it.

When we decided to go we kicked some snow on the fire (not that we were actually worried it would start anything else on fire). Then we continued down on the hike. I was difficult going down, but we had a great time. It was one of my best adventures in a long time for several reasons. I enjoyed the challenge to start a fire in a meadow covered in snow. I enjoyed the great conversation around the campfire. The mountain was incredibly beautiful last night. Also, and perhaps most importantly, I felt that Heather, my adventure buddy, fully appreciated each part of the adventure. She really appreciated the difficulty of starting a fire, and the beauty of the mountain. It was a great adventure and I hope to continue to have wonderful adventures in the future, after all, this is 2009.

2009: The Year is Mine

I was considering doing a review of the year 2008. I decided against it for a couple of reasons. First: I already did a picture review of the summer, and second: I really didn’t want to write what I really felt about the year. I guess we can suffice it to say that I learned a lot from 2008, but those lessons are still a little too hard to talk about. So I am going to write about 2009.

I am really excited for 2009. I have been looking forward to it for some time now. Ever since New Year’s Eve night I have felt that there has been a huge weight that has been lifted from me. I think that this is the time for me to make things happen in my life. I didn’t have a lot going for me in 2008, but this year is going to be different.

Friday night I went hot-tubbing with my sister and her husband. We went early evening, and it was the perfect time. It started snowing when we were there. It was so beautiful to see the fluffy snow fall down. It is a great experience to be in a hot-tub when it is snowing. There is something really great about snowflakes landing on your bare skin and still being warm. It is something that I hope to participate in several times this year. It was an amazing evening. I enjoyed having some good quality chill time with my sister and her husband. I don’t hang out with them often enough.

It was a long December, but there are many reasons to believe that maybe this year will be better than the last. I am looking forward to a great year. Thanks to all my great friends who have been with me through the hard times. You guys are great and I really do appreciate you so much. I think that we all have a lot of great things coming soon.

Rock Canyon: A Place of Solace

My readers have spoken and I must respond. It seems that most of the team wanted to hear about my adventure by myself up Rock Canyon at 1 am. The funny thing is that that is not my best adventure and kind of a hard story to tell. The story of my time in the canyon is very short. The real story is what led to me going up there. I think I will try and give some background so you can understand why I did what I did. I can’t fill in very many details of the events of that night, but I will try and give you enough so you can understand why my journey up Rock Canyon was necessary.

Last Wednesday started out as a fairly good day, but I have never been one to leave things as they are when they are okay. I decided that the time had come for me to gain some needed closure in my life. So I went about a covert operation to try and gain some closure from a situation that has left me in much pain for some time. (Yes, I plan on being this ambiguous the whole time). This operation was thwarted by people that I really believed cared about me. I realize that they didn’t really understand how much I needed some closure and they didn’t understand that stopping me in my caper would stop the needed closure. But the result was the same. As I was coming to grips with what happened and more importantly, why it happened, I was getting more and more frustrated.

I then went to say goodbye to my good friend who was going to be moving back to California. A friend that I wish I spent the time necessary to get closer to, but I didn’t. I then was frustrated enough that I thought a run would help, so I went running for a couple of miles. That gave me little help, so I went to talk to my good friend Mary. I spent a few minutes talking to her, and then I had to leave because she needed to talk to another one of our friends. Normally I would have just stayed and joined in, but this girl she was talking to was on my list of girls I’m not allowed to communicate with (my least favorite list in the world).

So I left Mary feeling that my life was really a mess. I feel that my life is only as good as my relationships are, and, well, it sure seemed like they were doing well. It was almost 1 am at this point and I had nowhere to go. I wasn’t going to go home; there was no way I was going to sleep anytime soon. So I decided I needed to go somewhere where I could focus on the one relationship that I felt was going well in my life: my relationship with God.

I drove up Rock Canyon and called Mary, told her where I was and I told her that I would send her a text when I was down so she knew I was okay. (I realize that Mary isn’t my mother, but when I hike alone I want someone to know where I am.) I got out my sleeping bag that was in my car and unzipped the bottom enough so I could stick my head through then I started hiking. I hiked fast to try and get some energy out, so I don’t know exactly how long I hiked, I just know it wasn’t very long. I went up about a mile and climbed up a large rock and lay down. It was quite comfortable because I was in my sleeping bag and there was a nice layer of snow, but I have never been in so much pain in my life.

I lay on the rock and thought and prayed, but mostly cried. I felt like I was so stuck in my life. I couldn’t seem to move forward, definitely couldn’t go back, and I hated where I was. So I lay there and prayed and cried and thought. I was in a lot of pain, but I still noticed that it was a beautiful night. There was a low cloud cover which caused the city lights to be reflected so it was quite bright where I was. The snow made everything pure and beautiful. It was a very still night.

After I had been laying there for a while (I really have no idea how long, it was all a blur). I think it was long enough that my tears were melting the snow underneath my head. I heard a sound that instantly triggered the word ‘animal’ in my head. As I was getting up to see what it was I realized that the sound didn’t belong. It was the sound of metal tags jingling against a collar. I found the source of the sound relatively easily. There were two dogs jogging up the trail. I sat there and watched them as one walked by and the other noticed me and started barking. After he barked for a while his master, who was still out of view called him back. When the guy came into view I tried to move a little so he would notice me. I even said something, but his dog was barking too loud that he didn’t notice. When he got close to me he turned on his light to try and find out what his dog was barking at, so I waved and said, “He’s barking at me.”

We talked for a couple of minutes. He said he hikes up Rock Canyon every night. He usually goes to the campground, but he had a late start tonight so he probably wouldn’t go that far. He made sure to ask if I was staying the night—I must have looked very odd laying on a rock in my sleeping bag. Then he continued on. I went back to thinking and crying and praying.

I eventually didn’t have any tears left and so was forced to return home. I got home, wrote down some of my thoughts (which are published on my private blog).

That was a really depressing story wasn’t it. Sorry blog fans. I usually write a better story than that. I guess I wanted to give you the story you asked for, and there it is. Don’t worry about me. The next day I talked with Jeff and he made everything all better (he always does). I have my ups and downs like everyone else; I am just trying to enjoy the ride.

It's been a long December

I think that it is time for my readers (all three of you) to vote for which story I tell. Here are some adventures from the last couple of weeks. Just leave a comment to vote for which one you want to hear more about and I will write about that one. (Must be 18 or older to participate, no cash value, only one vote per person (except Jeff, he has two votes), all votes must be received by Tuesday December 23 at 11:11 PM)

Adventures in the last couple of weeks:

• Sweet Snowfest adventure up Rock Canyon. This included but isn’t limited to: Somersaulting race, snow angels, sliding down mountain trails. Hot chocolate and Hot-tubbing party. Story of Diane’s comment.

• Brady’s soup party then night hike. Beautiful weather just before the storm. Great fire and fun and friends.

• Concerts: BYU choirs with Maria, we sang Halleluiah Chorus. Kurt Bestor with family, left halfway through and had hot chocolate with my friends and read Christmas Stories. Mormon Tabernacle Choir Christmas Concert with Megan, what a great concert and good times with a great friend.

• Great chat with Jeff. He can still solve all my problems in one evening. What a great guy with a great wife.

• Evening with Mary and Natalie. We looked at lights and then we hiked up to the top of a cliff and I let off some steam by screaming to the world—very therapeutic.

• Didn’t break my neck – just thought that I would throw that out there.

• Hiked up Rock Canyon by myself at 1 am and laid on the ground in the snow and pondered life for hours.

• Watched almost every sunset, watched the moon every night that it was out before 2 am, looked at Venus and Jupiter almost every night and enjoyed the stars every night that they were out.

• Loved, laughed, cried, hurt and still spent every day with people that were important to me.

The Life I Live

I did want to write about our annual Thanksgiving Couch-Burning. Then I realized that event doesn't describe my life for the last week. Instead I will include a couple of pictures from the event and write about something else. I recently looked at my favorite quotes and I thought I wanted to share my favorite quotes with the team and maybe a couple thoughts on each of them.

Me and My BFF Jeff at the Couch Burning

Me chillin' next to the burning couch

A man only begins to be a man when he ceases to whine and revile, and commences to search for the hidden justice which regulates his life. And as he adapts his mind to that regulating factor, he ceases to accuse others as the cause of his condition, and builds himself up in strong and noble thoughts; ceases to kick against circumstances, but begins to use them as aids to his more rapid progress, and as a means of discovering the hidden powers and possibilities within himself.
-James Allen, "As a Man Thinketh"

This is one of my favorite quotes in the whole world. I have read this many times. I have memorized it more than once. I love this because I want to learn to use my circumstances for my more rapid progress and to discover the powers within myself.

"Promise yourself to be strong so that nothing can disturb your peace of mind, to make friends feel that there is something inside them. Look on the bright side of everything and make your dreams come true. To think the best, for forget the mistakes of the past, and to press on to other things. To give so much time to improving yourself, that you don't have time to criticize others. To be too large for worries, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, too happy to permit the presence of trouble. To think too well of yourself and to proclaim this force to the world, not in loud voices, but in great works."-James E. Talmage.

I like this quote because it has so much that I want to do and to be. I especially want to be too large for worries, too strong for fear and too happy to permit the presence of trouble. I hung this quote on the bathroom mirror on my mission and tried to live by it. I appreciate this passage because recently I have more fully come to understand this. I feel that I have had a lot taken from me but my ability to choose if I am happy of not. I haven't always chosen to be happy, but sometimes I do. It is those times that I do choose to be happy that I count as great victories.

We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way. –Viktor Frankl “Man’s Search for Meaning”

I appreciate this passage because recently I have more fully come to understand this. I feel that I have had a lot taken from me but my ability to choose if I am happy of not. I haven't always chosen to be happy, but sometimes I do. It is those times that I do choose to be happy that I count as great victories.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. -Nelson Mandela

This is quote that I believe was originally by Marianne Williamson. I just know that it is true. From all I have seen of people we are afraid of how great we are. Too many people spend too much time hiding from their greatness. That is why it is so wonderful when someone steps out and decides to be great.

I think that is enough for now. I hope that you all enjoyed some of my favorites through the years. I am still inspired by all of these quotes and I hope to someday live up to them. More stories to come later...

I still can't believe that he went over the edge...

My friend Brian and I have been on many adventures together. We have hike in just about every part of the mountains surrounding Orem and Provo. When it is just me and him we often go on adventures that others wouldn't want to come on. For example when we went camping up on the base of Timp in early Spring. His sister said we were crazy and that it was too cold. We just looked at each other and smiled and commented how it wasn't going to be nearly as bad as the time before. Oct of 07 we backpacked up Slide Canyon and we almost died. It rained and rained until we got high enough and then it snowed and snowed. I have never been so close to hypothermia in my life. Needless to say, we push our limits when we are together.

Yesterday I went on a repelling trip with Brian and a couple other friends. Brian is getting married soon and so it is important for us to have a few last adventures before he leaves the world of singlehood. There is a cliff up Dry Canyon that has been my favorite cliff for a long time. I have wanted to repel off of it as long as I can remember. I decided that this is where we needed to go. I asked Brian what equipment he had and he told me that he had a 60 meter rope and a harness. So I told him I would borrow all the other equipment that we needed.

As we met in the parking lot and started the hike up I noticed that his backpack wasn't as big as I thought it would need to be to hold a sixty meter rope, but seeing as this man was the best outdoors man I knew, I didn't worry. We hiked to the top of the 150 foot cliff. And Brian started setting up. When he finally got his rope out I told him that I didn't think it was long enough. He hooked it on anyway and threw it over the side. It was hard to tell from leaning over the edge how far the rope went down, but I knew it didn't go to the bottom. We decide the rope was probably a 30 meter rope rather than a 60 meter rope. We pulled the rope back up and tied a smaller rope on the end to see if that would make it long enough. After throwing both ropes tied together over the edge it was still hard to tell if it made it to the bottom, but we didn't think that it did.

This is the Cliff that Brian went down

Question: What would you do in this situation? Would you unhook the ropes and find a smaller cliff to repel? That was my thought (which is what the rest of us ended up doing later). There were plenty of cliffs close by. All of us who aren't Brian might choose that option. Brian, he took the path less traveled, and it made all the difference.

This is the cliff the rest of us went over. It was much smaller.

Brian decided he was going anyway, and I wasn't about to stop him. He was shaking a little as he backed over the edge of an 150 foot cliff with ropes that were probably about 125 feet combined. After he was half way down and decided he wasn't going to make it with the rope where it was. So he anchored himself to a bolt on the cliff and had us unhook the rope and drop it too him. He then anchored the rope from there, but he had to double the rope up so that he could retrieve the rope after he was down. This made so he had to anchor himself in one more time and repeat the process before he made it to the bottom.

First let me say that I was blown away by the extent of Brian's skill in getting himself down safely and retrieving his equipment. But the thing that impressed me the most was Brian's audacity to go over the edge. Brian was so confident that he knew that whatever happened after he went over the edge he could deal with it. He did have quite a bit of equipment strapped to him - he wanted to be prepared. Still, he went over the edge!

I think if I had more of Brian's confidence and attitude in my life then I could do so much more with my life. I think most of us are so afraid to go over the edge. We are so afraid to take chances that we don't know how they will end. Brian probably wasn't sure how he was going to get to the bottom when he backed over the edge, but he knew whatever happened he would deal with it and succeed. I hope that someday I can be as amazing as Brian. I hope that someday I can have the guts to take risks that are worth taking. I hope that I can get better at taking a step or two into the darkness only to find that the way is lighted for a step or two. Until then I am glad I have friends like Brian who show me that it can be done and it is worth doing.